The Romanoff & Stark Dating Agency
by CCKK12
Summary: ...or two Avengers helping their therapist out with dating tips. Set after the story "I don't want to talk about it", starring Stella Moon, the distressed therapist who is certainly not appreciated enough for what she has to put up with on the job. Like the Black Widow and Iron Man arguing over her head if she should kiss his date. One-shot.


**I received this prompt from Sojie204, in a review from _I don't want to talk about it_ , and it was "a one-shot where Nat and Tony give Stella relationship tips and set her up with a date". Thank you for the idea and I hope I did justice to it :)**

 **It is set about 4 months after the storyline of _I don't want to talk about it_ ends. It has some references to the other story but can be read alone.**

* * *

Tony stops talking about the dramatic experience he had four months ago when I personally came up with the idea of the handcuffs traumatising him for life and looks at me. "You are not listening to me," he accuses.

I shrug setting my pen down. "Tony. I asked you about your relationship with you father. You wanted to avoid the question and pulled the handcuffs out of your ass which is your method to shut me out. I've heard it a thousand times and you know it."

Tony raises his eyebrow. " _My ass,_ huh? Is that the professional way to talk to your patient?"

I sigh and rub my temple. "If you don't want to tell me about your father, I think we can finish the session now. I'll think about the deep scar I gave your ego with those cuffs."

Tony doesn't move. After we hold each other's gaze for some moments I cast my eyes down and pick my pen up again.

"So you are an only child and your father was already above 50 when you were born. Do you think it—"

He makes a weird noise from his throat and shakes his head. "I am not telling you anything about Howard Stark. Want to know what kind of father he was? Ask your friend Rogers."

I glance back at him. "Then?"

"I want to know why you are kicking me out."

"Am not," I respond quickly.

"Oh yes you are. You are distracted and you're kicking me out."

I take a deep breath. "I am having a date tonight," I admit. He is the last person I should tell about this, especially after the fiasco with his finding-guys-for-Stella mission.

"Oh." He caresses his moustache. I wonder if he is offended that he was not involved.

"Natasha fixed it for me," I continue.

When he reaches into his pocket for his phone, I shake my head vehemently. "No. I'm not telling you who he is."

"Then Romanoff will," he shrugs.

"No, Tony. She is a spy. She takes secrets to the grave."

"Yeah, but she loves some good gossip." I glare at him which leaves him unfazed. "Is it Coulson?"

My glare transforms into sheer surprise. "What? No, why would it… I don't…"

"Rumour has it you guys go on dinner dates."

"No, we go to dinner regularly so he can convince me to stay with the company. Given the list of my patients it is not that surprising, is it?" I give him a pointed look.

"You _love_ working with us, Moon."

I chuckle. "That's true. Now can you please get out so I can prepare for my date?"

* * *

I groan when I hear the knock on the door. My hair is wrapped in a towel, I have another around me and I stand in front of my closet trying to decide what to wear. My date will pick me up in two hours.

I open the door to see Tony Stark and Natasha Romanoff on my doorstep. "I'm a bit busy," I explain.

They don't seem to care as they barge in. "Guys," I make another attempt as Tony steps to my closet and Natasha looks over me with narrowed eyes.

"We decided you'll screw this date up."

"Thank you," I sigh pinching the bridge of my nose. "You fix me a date and then you pop in just to boost my confidence. How very nice of you."

"Oh, we'll do more than that," Tony says. "We are here to make sure you won't blow it."

"That's flattering, but—" I frown as Tony pulls out my lingerie drawer. "What are you doing, Stark?" I ask rather sharply. We have a kind of friendly relationship, sure, but I am his therapist, damnit. I am certainly not comfortable with Tony Stark digging around my panties.

Tony doesn't really pay attention as he pulls out a red lacy bra and drops it on the bed.

I have to step there and pull him away from the drawer before he could search for the matching thong. "I am not wearing that for a first date."

They share a meaningful look. "She'll screw it up," Natasha confirms.

"Look, Stella," Tony says. "If you want to bag someone like Royce Baxton, you will have to show some skin, okay?"

Obviously Natasha told him about the agent from Team Charlie that she had asked out for me. Without asking me first.

"I don't want to bag Royce. I am going on this date because your colleague decided to mess with my romantic life."

"More like to provide you with a romantic life," Natasha corrects. "Or at least a night of pure bliss. It would help everyone, you know. I for one would be happy if you didn't bother me so much with questions about relationships and sex. Maybe if you had a guy you'd stop."

"I ask those questions because that is—"

"Your job," they say in unison.

"Right. I don't need a relationship."

Tony snorts. "Look, Stella, I consider myself an expert on casual relationships, and I have to tell you, you look like you need a one night stand. Or a lover. And it could be Baxton. He is ripped and isn't too stupid."

"He's not too stupid? What a catch," I reply rolling my eyes.

Natasha takes my hand and makes me sit on the bed. I cross my legs and realise that I wear only a towel in front of America's most handsome playboy.

"Worry not. We are here to help," she smiles and dives into the lingerie drawer while Tony starts sorting my dresses. He grabs one, pulls it out and after a glance drops it either on the bed or the floor.

Natasha finally picks up the red thong and drops next to the bra. "Now tell me what you will do."

"I will drink wine, eat something nice, have a chat and come home."

"Wrong," she says. She sighs. Obviously she realises there is no time to teach me how to handle men.

"You do know I've been with men before, right? I'm 22."

"How many?" Tony asks dropping my favourite cocktail dress unceremoniously on the ground.

"How many boyfriends or…?"

"How many partners, yes."

I clear my throat. "Six." Four, but I don't like his smirk.

"What about boyfriends?"

"One."

"For how long?"

I huff. "Six months."

Tony bites his lip. "Hopeless."

I stand up and walk over to the door. "Get the hell out of here, both of you."

They look at me confusedly.

"You are both such experts on human relationships that you come in here and tell me I'm going to screw up the date - that I did not choose to go on in the first place - and proceed to make me feel even more anxious about it than I've been for two days? No thanks."

Natasha rolls her eyes. "Stella, we didn't mean to stress you more. But we are kind of experts. It's part of my job to seduce people and it is what Tony does as a hobby."

"Did," he corrects. "Before Pepper."

I sigh and give up. I grab the lingerie from the bed and a black minidress before retreating to the bathroom.

I dress up and return to the room with my hair still in the towel. "So?"

Tony sits on the bed talking to Natasha who sits on the windowsill. He stands up and gives me an examining look that quickly returns to my chest.

"Stark, why are you staring at my tits?" I ask rather tiredly.

"Trying to decide if I want to shag you."

I can feel my blush. I can actually feel it. _Damn handsome billionaires._ "Well, do you?"

He makes a weird face. "No. Next dress. Show more cleavage."

I raise my eyebrow. "Wow. Thanks. It's always good to know if my patients want to shag me or not. It's even better to know that Tony Stark, who's shagged every half decent looking girl back in the days, would not."

"Don't take it personally. He doesn't like clever girls, except for Pepper who was his assistant. He would have never found someone like her in his usual circles," Natasha remarks.

"That's harsh, Romanoff," Tony hisses.

I groan in defeat and pick up an emerald low-cut shirt and a black knee -length skirt. Tony opens his mouth but I beat him to it. "There is no chance he gets to see my boobs _and_ my ass."

Natasha gives me the thumbs up. "Good. A girl gotta have some integrity."

They finally approve of my outfit for the fourth change. I wear a navy blue knee-length dress with generous amount of my cleavage showing.

As I sit back on the bed, Natasha steps behind me and starts brushing my hair. "So we should decide what you want from this guy."

"How could I know that? I barely had time to read his—"

Tony raises his eyebrow. "His _file_? You read his file? Are you kidding me?"

Natasha chuckles. "Good. Background check is important."

"Do you check Barton too?" Tony asks.

Natasha smirks rather coldly and shakes her head. "Why would I? He tells me everything."

"I just want a nice chat, okay? That's all."

"And a nice sha—" Tony starts cutting it short seeing Natasha's glance. "So a modest first date."

"Yes."

"Alright. We can work with that," Tony nods.

"He'll pick you up?" Natasha asks.

"Here. In one hour. He takes me to the Charming Oyster."

"That means he wants to take you to bed, sweetheart," Tony says.

I roll my eyes. "Right. So how do I let him know that I want to meet him but I don't want to shag him right now?"

Natasha smiles. "Okay. Here's what you have to do. When he brings you back home and tries to kiss you, you smile, a sensual one, and kiss his cheek. Then you tell him you had a real fun time."

I look over Tony who seems appalled. "That's cruel, Natasha." He shakes his head. "Kiss him. What's the big deal about that?"

"How do I even smile sensually?" I ask exasperatedly. This starts to look a lot like a failed night already.

Well, at least I'll have killer hair. Natasha seems to know her job well. My otherwise quite simple chestnut hair now comes down in curls.

She goes to the bathroom and returns with my rather small makeup kit. "Don't listen to him. What you aim here at is making him feel great about the date but doubt himself and ask himself why you didn't kiss him."

"Only if you want to drive him crazy."

"That's exactly what she wants," Natasha retorts.

"Is it?" I mumble.

"Yes," Natasha responds.

"No," Tony says at the same moment.

I groan and stand up. "Well, thank you guys. I'll keep you updated."

* * *

The first date goes well. It is so nice I'm actually excited about the second one. Royce is intelligent, attentive and has a good sense of humour.

But I stand my ground and do not kiss him when he drops me off at my room. He seems confused and I curse Natasha for a day. But the next evening he calls me and asks me for a second date. I agree.

* * *

When I start getting prepared for it two days later, I put Natasha and Tony in the Stella-support group chat and text them.

 _Second date. Do I kiss him?_

Natasha replies first. _Sure. Don't make the poor soul suffer even more._

 _Will you get into his bed?_ Tony asks.

 _Maybe. He was cute._

They don't answer for ten minutes.

 _Would that make me a slut?_ I ask as uncertainty surges through me.

 _We'll be in your room in 10._ Natasha answers.

 _15\. I'm in the lab._ Tony adds.

* * *

We are in my room again, but this time I allow Tony rummage through any part of my closet. Of course I am not lucky enough for him not to remark about it.

"Desperate for some fun time, huh?" He asks with a grin.

"It's not about the sex part," I explain. "It's just that he's so nice. And funny."

"I thought you didn't want a relationship," Natasha comments.

"I don't. I just want someone who…"

"Fucks you real good," Tony finishes.

"Keeps me company, rather," I correct.

"I thought you had Coulson for that," Natasha says.

I glance at Tony who puts on the most innocent face I've ever seen. "I have honestly no idea—"

I wave dismissively. "Right." He might even be honest, actually. Natasha has her ways to get information nobody wants to share. "Okay, what I mean is, someone who keeps me company and looks at me like a woman."

They share a look that I do not have the time and energy to analyse.

"Now tell me if it he'll think I'm a slut if I let him under my skirt."

"Sweetheart," Natasha says in a way that makes her seem like a seventy year old courtesan. "Let me share with you something I've learned in this world: there is no such thing as a slut. There are women who have a lot of sex and like having sex, there are women who don't and there are people who judge women for any of it. But most of the times they are the ones who fall asleep on the couch with the TV on some lousy porn channel."

"Also, you are not one to have a lot of sex anyway, so don't worry about that," Tony chimes in helpfully.

"And how do you know that, Stark?" I ask rather sharply.

"I'm digging around your lingerie," he explains. It might have been a bad idea to let him in the end.

He probably sees my distress because he gives me a kind smile. It is truly kind. I can see his eyes twinkle and he doesn't have any sarcasm in his voice when he talks. "Hey. It will be great. All you have to do is be yourself and do whatever makes you comfortable."

I wait for the punchline or the joke he must be about to crack but that is all he says. I stare at him. "Is that all? All I need to know about dating?"

He shrugs and drops a pair of panties on my bed. "That and no bra tonight."

I raise my eyebrow and step to the drawer pulling out a beige bra that matches with the panties. "I'm serious. Why would you come here telling me that I will screw it up without you and then tell me I just have to be myself?"

Natasha snickers. "That was the first date, Stella, this is the second one."

I look at her blankly.

"Nobody really gives themselves on a first date. The art is to put up a good enough pretence so the guy wants to take you on a second date. But an act can't go on forever."

"Says the spy/master assassin," Tony mumbles, the sarcastic smirk back on his lips.

"That is my job. Just like Tony Stark is your job and the Iron Man is your true self," Natasha grins.

She turns back to me. "The best piece of advice we can give you at this point, Stella, is to relax. He is a nice guy, he likes you, he wants to meet you. Sit back and enjoy the night."

"And don't forget to use protection," Tony adds.

I am speechless. "I'm going to die alone," I conclude rubbing my temples.

"You'll have a room in the Avengers Tower," Tony smiles encouragingly. "Tell you what, if you are still single by the age of 40, the team will get you a cat."

"This is the best deal I've ever heard," I reply making them both chuckle.

* * *

I had five more dates with Royce before he got tasked with a mission overseas. He returned in five weeks with the same wits and sense of humour but without his warm smile and the desire in his eyes.

I wasn't let down when he admitted he had met someone. Not really. To be fair I had known it would not work out on the long run. I didn't manage to will myself into feeling more than lust and the need to be looked at as a woman towards him.

Natasha decided that the choice was poor but the direction was right, condemning me to go on dates practically every week until Phil Coulson had a word with her and put an end to it.

Tony started sending me cat pictures, and when I annoyed him on therapy, he pulled out his phone and showed me the countdown to my 40th birthday.

Joke's on him because I barely turned 23 when I adopted a cat from the local shelter. He didn't stop complaining that it leaves hair all over his precious lab, but never locked it out. He kept it on his lap during therapy sessions. I like to think it helped both of us.


End file.
